Where Have All the Follicles Gone

These comments are directed primarily towards the males in the crowd. I can’t quite imagine my daughters ever having the need for the information I am about to share. In fact, up to a few years ago, I thought I would never have a need for this information and felt a little sorry for those that so obviously did. For those of you on the young side, yes you, my son, this subject is one of those which may be dismissed as pure nonsense. Then, when 50 arrives, you may find yourself in full agreement with the rest of this story.

This is a very short tale about hair – hair that comes and goes and winds up in the most unusual of places, hair that defines a math problem, hair that for some reason outlives its usefulness as we approach our twilight years and hair that seems to mysteriously disappear, leaving no trail behind. The re-arranging of a man’s hair is quite the mysterious process. I assume God decided we needed hair on our heads to keep us warm in the winter and give our hands a place to go when frustrated. We needed facial hair so we could look silly in high school pretending that the stubble was actually leading to something. Later in life, we could shape the facial hair into all kinds of weird shapes that we somehow convinced ourselves made us look cool. Facial hair is particularly useful when we hit the mid-40s crisis and we need to do something to make ourselves feel 20 again. The hair transformation is slow and, if I were of the math geek persuasion, I am sure could be clearly defined by a math formula. It has been a few years, but I believe there is a direct correlation to the loss of hair on the head and the gain of hair in the nose.

For some odd reason the nose hair tends to grow at half the rate, but twice as dense as the hair loss occurring on top. Since I have never see my hair actually fall out, I have the feeling that it actually recedes from the head, circles the brain and finds its way to the nose and whatever other openings it might find along the way. Here it continues to recede until we have full time nose tickling going on and a bit of nose hair dangling at levels quite a bit lower than most would consider fashionable. So now I am faced with the morning nose inspection for unwanted hair and the monthly review of the top of my head for additional bare spots. Unfortunately, I must also have unusually large pores on the tip of my nose and the middle of my forehead. Inevitably, some hair gets lost on the way to the nose and shoots out these openings. The misdirected hair requires some timely snipping for fear of unwanted stares. To date, I have not personally witnessed the out the ear experience I have seen on some. My guess is this is an issue for those with larger brains which directs the hair east and west rather than only south. While I have been called big headed, I don’t think it ever referred to my brain size. It is also not clear what is socially acceptable upon seeing someone with hair sticking out their ears. Do you let someone know that hair has taken up residence where it really does not belong or do you let the unsuspecting male find these unwanted situations on their own?

Further substantiating the mathematical equation between the loss of top hair and an increase in the amount of nose hair is the fact that when I have a cold the rate of loss on top seems to accelerate. I think we are now moving away from math into physics, but nonetheless, the force of a sneeze seems to accelerate the hair recession and adds to the hair clogging occurring within the nasal cavity. The runny nose part only adds to the total yuck factor involved in nose hair snipping. Resolving this issue is a very private matter.

The top of the head hair loss leads to issues of its own. Do you comb over, leave the head bare, or let it fall where it may. I have not quite reached this point as of yet, but I soon will need to decide. A poor comb over looks more than a little silly, while the shaved head look requires guts and a reasonably shaped head – something I was not blessed with. My guess is I will just let it recede and see what happens. I am not sure if any of the identified courses of action lead to a favorable result.

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